In my last blog, I mentioned the stages of grief one might experience when faced with their own sickness or impending death (denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance). The one experience I don't feel like I dealt with was bargaining (with God). I really didn't. I've had people tell me they admired my amount of faith, others encouraged me to have faith, while others called on me to reach deep into myself and stir up an enormous amount of faith to get God's attention. I'm not a minister and don't have any great theology to share; I'm sure there is validity in all of that. However, I can only tell you what I experienced from my own perspective.
I was five years old when I fell in love with Jesus. One evening at church, as the music played, I lifted my hands and began to sing from the bottom of my heart to Jesus. In that moment it was as if the heavens opened and His Spirit descended all around me and over me, and I knew for myself that he was real. Not only was He real, but He took a little five year old girl seriously and responded to her. It was the bud of lasting relationship that blossomed and has never faded. As a young girl/woman I can remember often praying this prayer: "God I want you to be pleased with me. When your eyes travel through the earth, I want you to smile when you see me. Help me live a life that brings joy to you." I haven't lived perfectly, but I have lived loving Jesus.
Faith to me has been an extension of that kind of loving relationship between two souls that have shared a lifetime of love and experiences together. It wasn't something I had to dig deep to conjure up. It just was. I believed I was in God's hand. I talked to God about the things I was going through and was confident He cared. I asked Him to heal me and help me. I remembered all of the times He had in the past, and believed that whatever came, He would be on my side.
So did I have a lot of faith? I honestly don't know. I just quietly and simply hoped for the best outcome and believed Jesus would do what's best for me. I really don't see myself as having a lot of faith or lacking in faith.
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